Hooked on a feeling

 It's 4am? Do you know where your brain is?

I wish my brain was off and I was asleep but sleeping is different now sans employment.

Sleep eludes me, like most things nowadays. 

It's the quiet I crave and that only comes at this time, pure horrible silence. 

I actually functioned today, did something other than sleep or the occasional cry quietly somewhere as to not scare others. 

I don't need concern or pity, I have plenty of that own my own thanks. 

But yes, I did some things. I even renewed my pharmacy license with the last hundred dollars left in my checking account. I even browsed a job site or two and felt hopeful for the first time in months. I felt like I wanted to actually leave the house again. I haven't seen sunlight since maybe September?

I don't want to be seen by anyone right now if that makes any sense.

Today felt different, I wanted to go and be a part of society again. I wanted to have actual conversations while still social distancing.

Will this feeling last, who knows, I want to say yes, but let's say meh and see what happens.

I realized today that I was in mourning, I lost something and that makes me sad and I think that's okay to feel that way and not feel embarrassed about it.

I don't miss that place at all, the aggravation, long hours and horrible patients are the stuff of nightmares, but what I do miss is the sense of purpose it gave me, and the occasional pat on the back was nice too.

I miss my friends and some of my patients, my boss and coworkers, but mostly I miss the confidence that has now evaporated from me. I miss leaving the house every morning ( not that Miami traffic tho ) and having actual money.

Above all, I miss all my money that has gone so quickly.

My unemployment has run out so now it's "do we really need this?" time.

With Covid and this election, me off of medication and no sleep, no job and no dye job in months I'm not feeling my best self.

I can't even go to Orlando and visit my sister for Thanksgiving, the only time a year I can see her. It's my daughter's birthday on this holiday too, 2020 stinks.

I wish I could just be better now, fast forward this part where everything feels so bleak.

-This sucks, I really had my hopes on a puppy. Why is life.

The end.-