Happy New Year to You

 3:38 am.

I'm up after a shower and some Alka Seltzer for my bloated stomach. 

Had cereal yesterday, that was all. One thing about depression, you're too sad too eat. My ED has been so loud lately, "you're a big fat failure and everyone can see."

I'm having an unpleasant time eating anyways, nothing but heartburn or bloat all day, it's painful. Some nights I sit up to sleep because it's just too much.

I feel so miserable.

Job hunting online is still happening but I'm not finding work, and I have no more unemployment.

My daughter and I are existing on whatever I get from child support and food stamps.

The fridge is empty, grocery shopping involves going outside and I haven't been much or at all since I was fired from work.

We run out of a lot of stuff. I just want to stay in bed and sleep all day.

I don't hide it anymore, the crying. I let my now 16 yr old see it because she needs to know I'm not okay and I can't hold it together. 

My sister has been no help. She suggested I start an Only Fans. She has no perspective. She found a job at Amazon making 15 an hour, she makes more than me so now I have to hear about it every time we speak. 

She's always resented me working at the pharmacy but now she has something I don't, a job, income.

She caught Covid at work and is doing better. That was scary, despite her always saying the most insensitive things to me, she's still my sister and the only family member aI have left who even cares about me. Life without her..I'd be inconsolable.

Looking for work is horrible because I have to start all over from the bottom, the pay is bleak, much like my outlook.

Thinking of doing something other than the pharmacy but I don't know what. My ideal job would have no human interaction but I don't see that advertised in the job requirements in many of my applications. 

I have no car insurance so Uber is out. Don't drive much anymore nowadays, driving equals gas, and most importantly me in the car.

Driving for me has always been an issue, I have always had anxiety towards it.

Every trip is accompanied by an irrelevant fear of dying and because I'm a loner, noone, not even my daughter would know I'm dead until who knows when.

Haven't seen my old shrink since March, I'm out of meds and well now I'm just out of my mind. I don't know if I should even go back, I'd solely do it just for the Xanax.

I miss being cared about.

Gonna go to bed now, well chug a cup of Vodka until I pass out.