Changes

 May is almost finished, this year is going by quicker than I'd hoped. Or rather I'd hoped to be in a better place by now.

I'm still unemployed, living off of my measly unemployment check, I'm on foodstamps again. The food stamps wouldn't bother me so much except they're only giving me 27$ a month. There's some confusion about me not working that baffles the morons at DCF. Instead of just calling me to verify my income, they assume my unemployment check pays for this luxurious lifestyle I've become accustomed to. 

In any event all that comes to an end next month in Miami thanks to DeSantis. 

Now comes the the inducing panic of where is my next paycheck coming from?

No, this time I have to think differently, I have to because I told myself that this year I'd do it all differently.

I can't keep self exploding, it helps nothing and mostly it's just a big mess I have to clean up anyway. Also what's that colorful phrase about doing the same thing and expecting different results? Insanity.

No this time I have to be like a shark or I'll die, keep swimming and I can't reverse.

I told myself this is the year of no more doing anything I don't want to do and also the year of just finding happiness. I don't want that negative energy from others around me anymore because I radiate my own negativity. I know in math two negatives make a positive but in life that just means someones strife has to take a backseat because we can't all fit our feelings in the same room at the same time.

I'm trusting that all of this unfortunate luck that has bestowed me is for a greater purpose or maybe it's just my Karma.

Either way what happens to me I cannot change, I can only change how I feel about it.

In late April I uploaded my resume to one of those generic job websites. I get bombarded with pharmacy work but I was hoping to do something else. I wanted to see if there was something else or an ideal job where you never have to interact with people that existed out there for me. The only job with such peace and great hours is an Undertaker, sadly I do not have enough job experience for that, someone recommended me to try and apply to CVS. I rather be in the grave than ever work for them again. Yes, now I can finally bash em after 8 long years of silence, I can finally say ALL HOPE ABANDON YE WHO ENTER HERE!

Seriously, don't ever work for them, I'm so happy I stole whatever I could from them on a daily basis. 

Well, on a sleepless April night I was snooping around at Costco website to see what a greeter makes, or maybe a baker, I could bake, I can greet or check receipts with a highlighter, how much does that pay?

I never submitted my resume, I was just looking at options. The next day I get a call from a Pharmacist at a Sam's Club, she saw my resume from another site I'm assuming because I never even checked out Sams.

She liked that I had 8 years as a Lead Pharmacy Technician and was looking for someone to fill in a part time slot with upgrade to full time later.

Normally I don't answer phone numbers I do not know but a week prior to that I went to Eye Lab where I got my glasses from, to go ahead and replace my current lens which appear to be scratched up from something although I've had them less than a year. They put an order in to replace my lenses, I just need to wait for their call, so that means I have to answer any local calls I get in the event that its them.

This Sams Club lady was lucky that I picked up, but I did and guess what, she offered me a job.

I had an interview with her and she loved me. She had a few others to interview but she told me that my experience is what she wanted and I'd hear back from her.

Well, I filled out forms, did assessments, took a drug test. She told me its a long process and it has been, it's been almost a month that I have been back and forth with this lady about this job. Today I speak with her and she tells me that the lab where I did my mandatory drug test has a backlog of over 2,000 people, since DeSantis has announced that benefits are being cut and everyone must go back to work, well everyone is and there are now laboratory delays on simple background checks and drug tests. This pharmacist is trying her best to somehow go around the lab because I had to call a 1-800 number to troubleshoot a new application to just go ahead and authorize a background check. 

After my initial drug test I received an email from Sams Club that I didn't get the job, I was explained today that's because the deadline on their end had expired so I got generated a rejection email. My possible future boss is trying to override whatever to get me in there.

They made me an offer of 17$ an hour. It's more than I expected but it's a great start to a new job, it's 17$ but it can go up every year if I even last that long.

If everything goes thru with this, and I do end up employed as a Pharmacy Technician that would help me immensely. 

Yes, I still hate certain aspects of this job but I am good at my job, I really am.  Right now I need this, I need to get out of this house. Being indoors all day is making me turn into some kind of lazy and sad monster.

I've gotten away with not going outside except for the bare essentials but even still some days are do not go out at all. This pandemic has done nothing but encouraged bad behaviours all around. I get to stay home and no longer socialize with others, I get to stay home and ration a paycheck to the letter. I get to indulge in the self loathing. I get to drink and starve myself most days. I get to be alone all day long.

I hate it but I need to work. I've lost something, I've lost a spark that once was bright but now is dimmed, not quite out because we're not through yet, but dim enough that it's hard to see where anything is, yet alone the EXIT.

If it were up to me I would continue to try and find the ideal job, but bills are due and I have to take what I can get.

I told myself if I hate this job to just quit, there are hundreds of pharmacies out there, being employed is not a death sentence, I can chose to say, Fuck you I quit!

The need for cash is more urgent now because I've finally indulged in something I've wanted for a long time now and that is a large Dog. 

I've wanted a Saint Bernard for awhile now, I have been holding off because it's never the right time, or there's no money, or I don't have the space or time for such an animal, but the truth is, I may never have these things. I cannot hold my dreams hostage in the event things align.  

What I know is that there will never be the perfect time for your dreams or fantasies, but do them anyways, life is short, look around at what you have and take stock of what matters.

                                                                                                   "Penny"

                                                                                         Born February 7, 2021

                                                                                   Joined our brood April 23, 2021

When I saw her, I knew she was mine, I guess this is what love at first sight feels like.

Her name is Penny and she's a female Saint Bernard.

I love her so much. She brings me such comfort on days when I need it the most.

Training her has been interesting, her teeth are so sharp, her big paws have slapped me around most rooms.

She's doing great. Having Penny around means both my daughter and I are responsible for the animals well being.

We get to go outside everyday because the puppy depends on us.

I know right now or any time is not the time or place for me to have a dog but there will never be a place and time, whether its owning a pet or taking that job or moving in or out of town or not at all or with that person, go for it, stop being scared, people die all the time without fulfilling anything, I want to get what I want for once instead of seeing all the things I'll never have.

Penny is very sweet, taking care of her gives me a sense of purpose, to do the right thing for someone else other than yourself.

I'll do my best by her and see if this possible job plays a part, if not well then, I'll move on and see what else is in store for me. What I can longer be is stagnant.

What I no longer want is to feel an obligation to anything that isn't worth my time.

Life is too short and so is patience.